Where did she go?

I recently cleaned out one of the closets in my house. I knew it was going to be hard work and I wasn’t looking forward to it, but I had no idea that it was going to be one of the most emotionally painful experiences of my entire life.

You see it was my daughter’s toy closet. It was packed full of all kinds of stuff we hadn’t seen, let alone played with, for who knows how long.

At first, it was going quite well and it seemed I had over possibly over estimated the amount of time and effort the job was going to require. Little did I know that my heart was about to be smashed to bits.

We had three piles. There was the keep pile, the give to cousin Ashlyn pile, and the donate pile.

My misery all began when I pulled the huge Barbie box out and Macy said in a loud clear voice, “Ashlyn!”

“No, this is all your Barbie stuff,” was my stuttering reply.

“Don’t want ‘em,” she said.

And the dagger sunk into my heart.

Where did she go? This little girl who I rocked, played with and read to. What was happening to my world?

Thinking back I realized that my world was changing. The signs have been popping up in different places for quite some time now, but I hadn’t seen them. Maybe my heart just wouldn’t let me see them.

There was, "I should probably shop for clothes with Mom from now on." And then, "Get out Dad! I’m changing!"

Then came the morning I heard an unfamiliar alarm clock go off and she got up on her own. Waking her up has always been my job. I like my job. But for too long I had just been taking it for granted.

I’ve tried my best to ignore these evil hints at reality.

I think we all do it. Ignore reality. Especially painful reality. I’m a firm believer that if you just ignore it long enough it will go away. But usually reality is just extra painful when it finally comes crashing down.

Ever since my closet cleaning nightmare, my life has become an emotional roller coaster. I’m forced to stand-by and helplessly watch my little girl grow up.

I do not want to go to the land of pre-teen girls…not yet. I want my little girl, who seems so big these days, to slow down and be daddy’s little girl. If only for a while.

This quote from the Real Live Preacher is my prayer:

“Gracious and loving Heavenly Father, please do not send me to Nineveh today. I’ll gladly go tomorrow, or better yet, some unspecified day in the future, but not today. I will not get on the boat bound for Tarshish, but neither am I ready to leave these shores. I plan to do your bidding, eventually, but if you try to drag me onto this ship, I will make a terrible scene. I will shout and cry aloud. My fingernails will rip ugly furrows into the dock.”