SNAKE!!!

He was brave; I’ll give him that. Brave and stupid!

So I tried to put myself in his shoes, so to speak…

“I’m laying there, minding my own business, when one of those giant, four limbed creatures heads right at me with some sort of long stick thing that has what looks like grass or hay sticking straight out of the end. (For Keith: It’s a broom!) He starts poking and hitting me with the grass end.

At this point I’ve got several options.”

1. I can stay put and hope the giant goes away

2. I can make a run for it and try to get off of this little sun porch thing

3. I can move behind something big, coil up and hide

4. I can rush towards the big creature and try to confuse it.

It is at this point at which my ability to mimic the self-preservation habits of a snake goes woefully astray. For you see, were I a snake, my first instinct would be to flee. Head for the hills. Get the heck out of Dodge.

However, not for our little legless friend. Oh no, he charges straight towards me. Well, kind of squiggly straight, but at me all the same.

So he charges ahead, but I hold my ground. That is until Melissa and Macy start screaming for me to shut the door. Truth be known, I thought I had him, but my sudden retreat gave him a boost of confidence. That’s when he coiled up and hunkered down. I decided to go outside and come in the same door that he had used to get onto the porch. Then I could chase him off he porch without any chance of him actually getting into the house.

I carefully sneak around through the backyard and enter the sun porch. Then, using the broom to keep a healthy distance between the two of us, (At this point I’m pretty sure he’s not venomous, but I’m no snake expert, so he could have been) I start to usher him towards the now wide open door. I’m urging him toward the door when all of a sudden I hear a hissing sound from behind me.

Understandably startled, I spun around half expecting to see Melissa and Macy laughing at me through the window. However, they hadn’t moved. That’s when I remembered the air freshener we have out there. It’s on a timer and sprays a small mist every 30 minutes. But when you’re chasing a snake and then suddenly get the feeling that they’ve got you surrounded, a chill runs up your spine.

Cursing the air freshener, I returned to my snake relocation duties. After finally getting him outside, I jokingly turn to Melissa, point to the snake and pretend to cut my throat with my finger. Knowing full well that my animal rights activist wife would in no way want this poor snake to be harmed.

Much to my surprise, she vigorously begins nodding her head in agreement. I’m not sure why she had this sudden change of heart. Maybe it was the fact that it was a snake. Maybe it was the fact the he had broken her unwritten law and actually come into our house. (If only on the sun porch) Maybe it was the fact the Melissa had crossed back over from the dark side and now believes that snakes are bad. Whatever the reason, the death penalty was back on the table, and I was the executioner.

Being the true man’s man that I am, I rushed to the garage, grabbed a hoe and trudged off to kill the dangerous beast and protect my family.

I think being chased around a sun porch and then shoveled out the door with a broom had tuckered out my scaly opponent. By the time I got back with the hoe he was moving off towards the grass, so I glanced back to see if the governor was going to step in and give him a stay of execution for his trespassing crimes.

But clemency was not to be. Both of my ladies were jumping up and down screaming, “KILL HIM! KILL HIM!”

It took three blows to finally slay the beast. Oh, and they were powerful blows. Not accurate, but powerful all the same. And what difference does accuracy make when you’re dealing with such extreme raw power?

When it was all said and done, I scooped up the still twitching body of my opponent, posed for a victory photo, threw him over the fence and then washed the blood off the porch.

Yes, Mother Nature was angry that that day, and it was not only my job to tame her wildness, but also to send a stern warning to her slithering allies.

“Stay off the sun porch, or you’ll meet the business end of a farm tool!”

** Disclaimer: I realize that the snake doesn't look all that large in the photo, but the lighting and the camera angle both make him appear much smaller than he actually was... Trust me, he was HUGE!